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Top 100: Funny Quotes (of All-Time)

Perhaps the only type of quote better than a wise quote is a quote that, while conveying some universal truth, is also witty. If you’re in need of a good laugh — and really, who isn’t? — then check out our list of the top 100 funny quotes of all-time. Funny quotes are also good for making other people laugh; posting one of these quotes on Facebook or Twitter is sure to elicit many chuckles from your friends and followers. There’s a funny quote here for everybody: this list has everything from ironic statements and macabre jokes to bathroom humor. Also included are interpretations, which attempt to explain just what makes each quote so darn funny– the interpretations also come in handy for that one clueless person who always says, “I don’t get it” in response to your hilarious joke. (Don’t worry, this list has funny quotes about those types of people as well.)

1
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. - Bob Monkhouse

Interpretation: This joke is a play on the cliche of wanting to die peacefully in your sleep. This familiar statement takes an unexpected twist when we learn that grandpa was, in fact, driving a car full of passengers when he died “peacefully in his sleep.” As a result, those passengers did not die so peacefully! This type of joke, in which the second half of the statement is shocking or unexpected (usually making you see the first part of the statement in a different light), is also called a “paraprosdokian.”

2
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

Interpretation: This funny quote presents a clever idea that might possibly work: if you have multiple locks on your door and only lock some of them, someone who tries to pick the lock and assumes that all the locks are engaged will not be able to unpick them all (until, that is, they figure out that not all of the locks were initially locked).

3
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde

Interpretation: Someone who expects bad things to happen (a pessimist) will expect a negative outcome when they lend you money, which is that you won’t return the money. Wilde is saying that this make pessimists good people to borrow money from — because you would never be expected to pay back the money you owe them! The quote is funny because it pokes fun at pessimists (in reality, most people expect you to return money they lend you, pessimist or not) and assumes the reader is a dishonest person who does not want to pay their debts.

4
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. - Mark Russell

Interpretation: Most people are aware that the planet Saturn is surrounded by rings (you may or may not know that these rings are composed of ice and rocky material). Most people also know that airline luggage often gets lost. While the rings of Saturn are of course not literally composed of lost luggage, this quote is humorous because it makes fun of a frustrating experience many people can relate to — the airline losing your luggage.

5
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. - Robert Bloch

Interpretation: This joke is of the bathroom humor variety. While many quotes about friendship are meant to be taken very seriously, this funny analogy takes a lighthearted (yet not inaccurate!) twist when it compares friendship to peeing your pants.

6
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin

Interpretation: Here’s a classic “good news, bad news” joke quote from a master comic. It’s darkly funny because the “good” news is really pretty terrible, and the bad news is implied: once we hear the good news (that the patient is going to have a disease named after him), we already know the bad news (that the patient has a never-bef0re-seen disease). Disease is usually a serious topic, but tasteful jokes on this subject can be especially funny because they make us laugh at our fear of death, rendering it less terrifying.

7
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner

Interpretation: Quotes that laugh at the perceived differences between the genders (or gender stereotypes) are funny to those who enjoy this kind of humor. The joke here is that men are considered successful if they make a lot of money, but women don’t need to make money to be considered successful; they just need to marry a man who makes a lot of money.

8
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!” - Anonymous

Interpretation: The joke this quote makes is that elderly women are often crazy about the game bingo, so much so that an otherwise nice old lady might utter an obscene word if she loses at bingo. (Plus, most people find it funny to think of a “sweet little 80-year-old lady” saying the “F” word.)

9
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. - Dave Barry

Interpretation: Taking a metaphor or analogy seriously — in this case, thinking a motivational statement like “finish what you start” applies to eating junk food — makes for a classic joke. This quote also makes fun of the vague and sometimes impractical advice one might receive from a therapist.

10
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. - Anonymous

Interpretation: People often joke about the haughty, stuck-up nature of cats. This quote literally means that dogs are obedient to their owners, while cats think they are the owner, or master, and that you work for them.

Comments

  • Tia Elise Shauna Wray

    if you carn’t have midnight snack why do we have a light in the fridge ??

    • Lauren Martinaze

      ikr!!!!!!!

  • Just a funny Quote

    Milk Milk Lemonade around the corner fudge is made!

    • Emails manna

      You said it wrong it’s milk milk lemonade chocolate round the corner thicko

      • Stryks

        Actually, I think you might be in the wrong there. There is a rhyming device built into this little ditty which is broken with your version.

        “Milk, Milk, Lemonade,
        Round the corner (chocolate’s / fudge is) made.”

        Post above has fudge, we always used chocolate when we were kids. And that is kind of the point. It’s what we used as kids. The fact that you have an alternative neither invalidates this version nor validates your own.

        • RiftEnigma

          It’s because these people seem to refuse to use grammar, but, Stryks is correct.
          I always said “chocolate’s” one of my friends used “fudge is”. I do think they are both very popular choices and, like Stryks said, the rhyming device works with both of them. So I suppose that if any word fits in with the rhyming pattern, it can be considered correct.

          “Milk, Milk, Lemonade,
          ‘Round the corner tea is made.”

          Just an example.

          • Melinda Jacqueline

            Why is there an in-depth conversation about a little song 5 year olds used to sing? And chocolate? It’s fudge!! There, now I’m in the conversation about a poem about poop and pee. And RiftEnigma, you’re discussing the grammar of this? I think people feel strongly about the subject….I guess we are all kids at heart…..and we like to argue and be right :)

          • Melinda Jacqueline

            And if it looks like tea you need to drink a whole lot more liquids.

    • Melinda Jacqueline

      That’s retired, I’m sorry I know u might’ve been trying to be cute, but really? Let’s put that one in storage.

  • Emails manna

    I don’t get most off them there crap and I am 54

    • Nexus9K

      Try acting it then! Don’t call people ‘thicko’ and learn to use proper grammar – *of & *they’re are a good starting point.

    • RiftEnigma

      …Why? Just why?
      54? I doubt it.

  • freckledfarang

    The quotes are funny, but it’s confusing that you feel they need interpreting. You are reiterating super obvious conclusions.

    • http://www.digiq.com/ Jason Bacchetta

      I agree that most of them are quite obvious, but from our experience simply rehashing a quote in a slightly different way can be a big help for non-native English speaking users. And of course, the interpretations also provide guidance for those experiencing the occasional brain fart.

      • Melinda Jacqueline

        Why when ppl say ‘brain-fart’ do I picture it literally? I can’t quite describe the immage I get in my head….

      • Melinda Jacqueline

        That was actually very well put Jason Bacchetta

      • Amin Vanda (SEO Expert)

        Agree!

      • freckledfarang

        Have you seen the movie Idiocracy?

      • freckledfarang

        And honestly, it doesn’t matter what I think. This is your post. I’m sorry for acting like a judgmental jerk.

    • Melinda Jacqueline

      Mr.freckledfarang, maybe because at heart we all love to argue and be right about everything, or maybe because it’s refreshing to debate a poop/lemonade song when everything else is so serious. I had the 5am news on this morning and by 5:05 I had heard about 3 deaths and an old lady whose house burned down with her in it at night. I see your point, but what you said was pretentious as hell. WOOT!

      • freckledfarang

        The average intelligence of all humans is going WAY DOWN if my comment was pretentious.

        I wasn’t speaking against the quotes! They are great! People need cheering up! It’s true.

        I just believe that most people with part of a brain can understand what the quotes mean without the “interpretation.”

        The less you use your brain, the less it will be there for use when you need it.

        Also, I’m a Ms.

      • freckledfarang

        Also, there’s really not reason for me to act like such a jerk. Sorry.

        • Zen

          I think I like you Ms

  • http://www.seoroger.com/ Amin Vanda

    ”Why do people say ‘no offense’ right before they’re about to offend you?”

    The same reason people go to church and confess their sins to their holy papa! ;)

  • Nina Harper

    People say you should marry someone with a good character, but just remember you can’t kiss character in the morning.

  • Melinda Jacqueline

    What does stinki9ng mean? Learn how to spell before you use the word retarted. Mental retardation is something people are born with. Excuse my ENGLISH, but you’re an ass hole <3

    • Anony Mous

      If you’re going to say ” Learn how to spell before you use the word *insert word” you should spell the word right -__- & he might be an asshole (like you’re referring to him as) but you going around replying to everyone’s comments & nit picking at most of them makes you look like an asshole too.

  • Melinda Jacqueline

    I think people say ‘no offense’ right before they offend somebody out of habit. But it’s not like we need a ‘warning’ that you are about to be offensive

    • Amin Vanda (SEO Expert)

      Yep, no warning.
      Just say no offence, and you’re clean to offend anybody! lol

    • bob

      Shut the heck up and stop replying to people’s posts. Amin Vanda was quoting what he thought was a funny joke on this website. It wasn’t a question to you if you would have seen the quotes he put maybe you would have known.

  • http://www.raheelfarooq.com/ Raheel Farooq

    Great collection, man. Keep it up!

    • Rahul

      Good collection :)

  • girly

    Don’t let anyone tell you the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

    • Dereck

      Due to financial constraints the light at the end of the tunnel in this household will be temporarily closed.

  • Paige Morgan

    the funiest thing on here is how dramastic some of you are haha

  • gleebenfoojug

    ja

  • Fire

    Awesome post! Thanks!!!

  • Katie

    Life is simple, if you don’t put anything into it you wont get anything out of it! ^-^

  • huhu

    hhhahahaha. . .LOL

  • Lauren Martinaze

    I’M SO NOT CLUMSY!!!!! IT’S JUST THAT THE WALLS ARE IN MY WAY! AND THE CHAIRS AND TABLES ARE BULLIES, AND THE FLOOR HATES ME! OK? OR NOT (reply)

    • Peydon Smith

      That’s what happens to me

  • hdydf

    it’s not funny

  • anonymous

    Hehehe funny as!! :-)

  • Jonathan

    be real

  • Jonathan

    Crowd goes crazy in Shanghai as Kobe Bryant emerges from tunnel and takes a seat on Lakers bench

  • Jonathan

    “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be
    careful to do what is right in the eyes of
    everyone

  • Jake Martinez

    Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.

  • My Grandma

    “Those whom fart in church, must sit in their own pew…”
    -Joyce Ross

  • frank

    these r lame

    • notfrank

      stfu frank

  • frank

    rgnrgjnrejlg

  • frank

    how is that that

  • imthedoctor

    “doctor(talking to his patiant at a checkup): i have bad news and worse news.
    patiant:uh oh! whats the bad news?
    doctor:you have cancer.
    patiant:oh, gosh, whats the worse news?
    doctor: you have alzhiemers.
    patiant:oh, jeez! well at least i dont have cancer!”

    -anonomous

    • melissa brown

      that is very sad i feel bad because i am scared

  • Peydon Smith

    Bla bla!!!!!

  • Peydon Smith

    Yea I have!!!!

  • Peydon Smith

    I like fudge not a big fan of it but it’s ok I’m not a big fan of chocolate!!!!!

  • Peydon Smith

    When life hands u lemons…. u throw them at someone

    • Nitasha Chichkar

      Then make nimbu paani na!!

    • MrManners

      When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone who’s life has handed them vodka and have a party – Ron White.

  • Peydon Smith

    I’m gonna parilize u with arrows

  • Peydon Smith

    Yo yo yo

  • Peydon Smith

    Yo yo yo it’s ur boy peydon I’m in the house in the house!!!

  • summer emery

    These quotes are not funny in enny way

    Love
    His john’s doter

  • That’s so frickin awesome name

    !m “We have lives to live” -Megatrinton,2013

  • Tatianna

    look here peydon smith blah blah is not a quote

  • Myself

    87-90?

    • http://www.digiq.com/ Jason Bacchetta

      Fixed.

  • Lynda Crocker

    The difference between a man and a squirrel : a squirrel cracks his nuts on a rock and a man rocks his nuts on a crack.