Quotation #5979

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What is it, exactly, that makes a quote or statement funny? It's hard to define, but funny quotes often make us laugh by saying something that is unexpected or exaggerated, but still has a ring of truth to it. Good joke subjects include edgy topics like sex or drunkenness, situations or people that annoy us, like in-laws or politicians, and even political topics. Essentially, anything that allows us to laugh at other people, at a common life occurrence, or even at ourselves can be great comedic material. There's all different kinds of humor, and this list of humorous quotes has all of them, from plays-on-words, to clever insults, to humorous observations. If you haven't already, be sure to also check out the first installment of humorous quotes: 100 Funny Quotes Worth Laughing Over. [include-posts id="16592" count="1"] Interpretation: This quote uses a play on words, with the word "grand" used to indicate greatness in the first instance, and a great expense in the second instance. The quote means that love is wonderful, and that divorce is super expensive. In other words, it's cheaper to stay married -- whether you're in love or not! [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57099" count="2"] Interpretation: Taking life with "a grain of salt" is a popular saying, meaning that you shouldn't take things too seriously. This quote is a twist on that old saying, adding a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila, adding up to all the ingredients you need for a perfect tequila shot! Essentially, it means that life is better with tequila shots. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="4884" count="3"] Interpretation: Keillor is sarcastically lamenting that he will miss his own funeral because of all the nice things people say about you at your funeral. He is saying that he'll miss it "by just a few days," as if it might be possible to make it to your own funeral if you could only die right after your funeral, when of course that would be impossible. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="4883" count="4"] Interpretation: By saying that you want to "be somebody," it is usually assumed that you mean that you want to be somebody important/great/influential. However, the joke here is that the person did not turn out to be someone great because she didn't specify the "great" part in her goal of wanting to be somebody. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="4867" count="5"] Interpretation: "A word to the wise" is an expression meaning that you are about to give some advice that a smart person would take. The famous curmudgeonly comedian is pointing out that this kind of advice is not necessary -- because it's the stupid people, not the "wise" ones that need advice. The smart ones will be just fine. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57108" count="6"] Interpretation: Middle names often seem not to have a practical purpose, since we rarely use them. However, the one time when they are frequently used is when a parent is speaking sternly to their child to warn them that they are in trouble. So, you could say this is the sole purpose of the child's middle name. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57111" count="7"] Interpretation: Outlaws are "wanted," meaning they are in trouble with the law, and the legal authorities want to capture them to make them atone for their crimes. The word "in-laws," while similar-sounding, has a completely different meaning -- these are relatives who are not "wanted." However, in the case of in-laws, it's not that they are "not wanted" by the law; they are unwanted by their own relatives! [/include-posts] [include-posts id="4851" count="8"] Interpretation: Poundstone is joking that reason why adults often ask kids what they want to be when they grow up isn't that they want the child to start thinking about their future (as most people presume), but because the adults still don't know what they "want to be when they grow up" and are hoping the child will provide them some direction. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57113" count="9"] Interpretation: "Inside a woman" normally means sex, but not in the case of Woody Allen's last experience; this self-deprecating comedian is saying that it's been so long that he's had sex that the last time he was "inside a woman" was when he visited the Statue of Liberty -- a large statue of a woman that you can walk around inside of. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19282" count="10"] Interpretation: When you don't know what the right thing to say is, make a quiet and indistinct sound so that the person can't tell what you're saying. This way, the person might just assume you said the right thing and you'll be off the hook. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="15517" count="11"] Interpretation: People lie when they are in love, intoxicated, or in politics. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="17142" count="12"] Interpretation: Unlike women, men do not need any reason to have sex. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="15845" count="13"] Interpretation: If you order a pizza and call the police at the same time, the pizza will probably arrive at your residence sooner than the cops will. This says something unsettling about our society. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5065" count="14"] Interpretation: This author is obviously not crazy about the idea of marriage; he is saying that you should wait until the last possible moment to get married in order to give yourself the opportunity to meet someone better. He takes this idea to the hyperbolic extreme, saying that you shouldn't get married early in the day, since you might still meet someone else by the time evening rolls around. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="4947" count="15"] Interpretation: This quote makes fun of the saying "beauty is only skin deep," which means that a person's physical beauty isn't that important, since it doesn't affect their personality. This quote is humorous because it takes the saying literally, questioning why you would think it necessary for beauty to extend through the skin and into the internal organs. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19286" count="16"] Interpretation: The first part of this funny quote is a famous old saying, while the second part of the quote turns that old saying on its head in an uproarious way. The idea that you should "walk a mile in someone's shoes" before you criticize them means that you shouldn't judge someone if you haven't lived the life they have. After referencing that saying, Handey goes on to say he meant it literally: steal the person's shoes and walk a mile away from the person before you criticize them. This way, they will have a difficult time attacking you after you insult them. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16594" count="17"] Interpretation: Allen is using the double meanings of words -- also called double entendre -- to compare sex to the card game bridge. In both sex and bridge, if you don't have a good partner (game partner in bridge, sexual partner in sex), then you'd better have a good hand -- "hand" in bridge means your set of cards, while the meaning in relation to sex is literal and suggests the use of the hand for masturbation. In other words, if you don't have a good sex partner, you need to masturbate. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="17146" count="18"] Interpretation: Asking a man to hold your purse in public is the most humiliating thing you can do to him. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19343" count="19"] Interpretation: After a computer won a game of chess against the author, the author retaliated against the computer with physical violence. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57118" count="20"] Interpretation: Here's a funny misanthropic quote that laughs at how we do not always enjoy the company of other people -- especially if it is our responsibility to lodge and entertain them. It says that the definition of hospitality is to make your guests feel comfortable in your home, even when you wish they would go back to their own home. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16636" count="21"] Interpretation: This quote is funny because the speaker is boastful, yet she contradicts herself. She is saying that even though her position on something has changed, she was right before and she is right now; it is not literally possible that she could be right both now and before, but it reflects the attitude of many self-righteous people who change their opinions without ever changing their view of themselves. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57131" count="22"] Interpretation: If a piece of seaweed touches my foot, I'll scream the same way that I would if a shark were about to attack me. In other words, I tend to overreact to perceived dangers/frighten easily. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57133" count="23"] Interpretation: While at the start of this quote, it sounds like the author is saying something very nice to his best friend, by the end we learn that the author is actually making a rather selfish statement. By saying that he'd miss his friend heaps and think of him often, he's saying that he would not give his friend the life jacket and would instead use it on himself. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="18208" count="24"] Interpretation: Rock is saying that the world is upside down because the following stereotypes are being defied: white people are bad at rapping, Chinese people are short, Switzerland is not good at sailing, the French are arrogant, Germany loves to go to war, and uptight Americans doesn't like to use dirty words that refer to the human body. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="18217" count="25"] Interpretation: This quote equates romantic sexual relationships to prostitution, with the assumption being that in a romantic relationship where sex is "free," the male has to "pay" for sex in other ways -- such as buying their date meals, show tickets, gifts, etc. In fact, according to this quote, when you get sex for "free," you actually pay more than if you had purchased sex from a prostitute. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="15511" count="26"] Interpretation: This joke, made toward the beginning of the Iraq War, which started in 2003, states that France will only join in and help America if we say we say we found truffles, a food delicacy, in Iraq. The joke makes fun of France's public image of being a country that does not want to join America in war (particularly because of their actions in WWII) and a country that values food above all else. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57137" count="27"] Interpretation: A "war of the sexes" joke, this quote means that unlike a dog, your wife will not stop hollering at you, even after you give her what she wants. Thus, you might as well meet the dog's needs before you meet your wife's. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57139" count="28"] Interpretation: This joke is funny because the speaker is pretending not to understand something fairly obvious (the reason why, if you start screaming on a plane, other people will join you) and because it points out the huge difference that setting can make when performing the same action in two different places. Of course, the reason why people will join in screaming with you on a plane but not in a library is because on a plane, everyone is afraid that you know the plane is going down and they are afraid for their safety. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16598" count="29"] Interpretation: This quote draws our attention to one of life's ironies: during graduation ceremonies, the commencement speaker usually tells students that individuality will help them succeed after graduation, ignoring the fact that by making the students wear identical caps and gowns, the educational institution is sending the message that the students should be identical, rather than act as individuals. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19289" count="30"] Interpretation: When you smoke indoors, it pollutes the rest of the indoor space, even if you are in a designated "smoking section," in the same way that peeing in one part of a swimming pool will ultimately pollute the entire pool. This hilarious analogy criticizes the illogical nature of restaurants with "smoking" and "non-smoking" sections. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16249" count="31"] Interpretation: After reading the first sentence of this quote, we think Dangerfield is saying that he wants two girls, as in, he wants two girlfriends because two is more exciting than one, but the quote turns into a joke about old age when we learn that he wants two girls so that they can entertain each other after he turns in early. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16246" count="32"] Interpretation: We think we control our pets, but to an outside observer, like an alien watching us from another planet, it is clear that our pets really control us: if our dogs are not our leaders, why do we follow them around, picking up their poop? [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57146" count="33"] Interpretation: Your memory goes bad as you get older. This quote not only states, but also illustrates, that fact when the author has a senior moment and forgets the other things that happen when you get older. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19268" count="34"] Interpretation: What makes this quote funny is how the author misinterprets the facts — that 90 percent of the things she worries about don’t happen — to support her argument, that worrying is effective. Of course, if you think about it for a moment, you realize that this premise makes no sense: just because you worry about something and it doesn’t happen doesn’t mean that the worrying magically caused the event not to happen. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="15513" count="35"] Interpretation: Quotes that point out the inconsistency of human behavior are often funny. This quote is a funny way of stating that women in marriage often say they want something from their partner but then complain when they get it; if a woman tries to change her husband for ten years and then her husband finally changes, she shouldn’t complain about the fact that she achieved her goal. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57148" count="36"] Interpretation: This quote literally means that kids have accidents, such as spilling their juice, if they are playing in the dark, while adults have different kinds of accidents in the dark, such as not realizing that the condom isn’t on, resulting in pregnancy. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57151" count="37"] Interpretation: Swearing makes letdowns easier to deal with. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16603" count="38"] Interpretation: This generalization says that Americans’ behavior when it comes to supporting democracy isn’t very logical: they are brave enough to risk their lives overseas, but too lazy to take the minor action of walking across the street to vote for who becomes president. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19264" count="39"] Interpretation: This quote, to some extent, contradicts the old adage that “money can’t buy love.” After stating that money can’t buy love, the author qualifies this statement by saying that money will put you in a better position to “bargain.” This essentially means that while you can’t force someone to love you using money, having money will improve your ability to convince someone to love you. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57153" count="40"] Interpretation: Experience is great because it allows us to recognize our mistakes … but only after we make the mistake a second time. In other words, experience isn’t enough to prevent us from making the same mistake twice. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57155" count="41"] Interpretation: Here’s another quote that takes a famous proverb (“The early bird gets the worm”) and puts a new twist on it. “The second mouse gets the cheese” means the opposite of “The early bird gets the worm” because it tells us that it is better to be the second person to do something, as opposed to the first: the second mouse gets the cheese because the first mouse dies trying to get the cheese, breaking the trap in doing so. Thus, it’s sometimes better to benefit from someone else’s achievements rather than risking everything to be the first person to make this achievement. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19270" count="42"] Interpretation: Celebrities are rather contradictory: they work hard to become so famous that everyone recognizes their face, but once they achieve this fame, they want people to leave them alone. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="17144" count="43"] Interpretation: The author is complaining about how everyone says that she will eventually meet a good romantic partner, but hers still hasn’t shown up. Because this seems to be taking so long, she jokes that maybe he was hit by a truck on his way to her. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57157" count="44"] Interpretation: Men are not able to think logically when they are sexually aroused, and vice versa. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19238" count="45"] Interpretation: Handy is joking that he wants to die owing people a lot of money — because then he will never have to pay it back! [/include-posts] [include-posts id="18210" count="46"] Interpretation: The second part of this quote, which dictates an order, is hilariously unexpected after the seemingly welcoming statement, “Make yourself at home.” When we read, “clean my kitchen,” we realize that the host wants you to literally act as you would act if you were in your own home, and clean the kitchen! [/include-posts] [include-posts id="4871" count="47"] Interpretation: A doctor whose plants have died obviously isn’t good at keeping things alive … so it’s probably not a good idea to entrust your life to him. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57159" count="48"] Interpretation: The symptoms of love and illness are sometimes very similar. It’s an exaggeration to say that love exactly mimics the symptoms of a serious disease like smallpox, but that’s what makes this quote funny. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57162" count="49"] Interpretation: This funny quote can be used to disparage people you don’t like. Like Slinkies (the spring-like toy that can move itself down a flight of stairs), people you don’t like do not have much of a purpose, but you would enjoy seeing them fall down a flight of stairs. Mean, but funny! [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57164" count="50"] Interpretation: Carlin is pointing out one of the absurdities of language and of modern life: the names we have for things, such as driveways and parkways, are often misleading. Here’s another one: “shipping” usually refers to the transportation of goods via truck, not ship, while “cargo,” usually refers to freight that is sent via ship, not car. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57171" count="51"] Interpretation: This is a joke about heaven and hell: if you die in an elevator, you want someone to push the “up” button, because heaven is up (and hell is down). [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5120" count="52"] Interpretation: Rather than giving him actual menu choices for mealtimes, like some of today’s parents, Hackett’s parents gave him the choices of “take it or leave it” — meaning he could either eat the food that was available, or eat nothing at all. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="17140" count="53"] Interpretation: The only men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking are gay men. We understand the joke upon reading the last word, “boyfriends,” since because of the context, we were (most likely) expecting to read “girlfriends.” [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5064" count="54"] Interpretation: The almost supernatural ability of mothers to tell what their children are up to is always good fodder for comedy. This quote tells us that great mothers have more than intuition, or an uncanny sense of what is going on without any real evidence; they have a built-in, physical mechanism for detection — like a machine. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5040" count="55"] Interpretation: Giving up vices like smoking, drinking, casual sex, and fatty food might make you healthier — but without them you might become so depressed that you kill yourself. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57175" count="56"] Interpretation: This quote tells us that haikus are easy to write but sometimes don’t make sense, and then we realize that the quote itself is a haiku poem that doesn’t make sense. While this is funny in itself, you could also take it to mean that haikus that actually make sense are not so easy to write. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="4931" count="57"] Interpretation: The boy thinks that his father was ignorant and then suddenly became wise once the boy was in his twenties, but it was really the boy’s own level of wisdom that changed drastically from when he was a teenager to when he became a young man. Therefore, your level of intelligence and maturity affects your perception of others’ intelligence — especially that of your parents. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57177" count="58"] Interpretation: The difference between a friend and a best friend is that a friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will commit the crime with you. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57179" count="59"] Interpretation: Children will remember and repeat word-for-word the things you say, making you realize that you shouldn’t have said these inappropriate things in the first place. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57181" count="60"] Interpretation: Little kids are curious about where they came from … teenage kids have not only lost this curiosity but they are so closed off to you that they will not even tell you where they are going. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57183" count="61"] Interpretation: ”It’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how you play the game” is a proverb that’s been around for a while. This quote takes the first part of that saying and tacks on an unexpected ending that changes the meaning entirely; the speaker does think it’s important whether he wins or loses, it’s just not important to him if other people win or lose. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5122" count="62"] Interpretation: This is a joke about alcohol. Being “forced to live on nothing but bread and water” sounds kind of pitiful at first, until the reader realizes that food and water is a perfectly fine diet — all that’s missing is alcohol (implied by the word “prohibition,” which describes a time when alcohol was outlawed in the U.S.). [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57185" count="63"] Interpretation: If you can’t convince the public to come around to your point of view, confuse the people so they are giving you what you want without realizing it. Truman was not actually saying that he agreed with this method or used it himself; he was describing this tactic as an “old political trick” that Republicans were using at the time, and that he didn’t agree with. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5060" count="64"] Interpretation: This statement is funny because it perfectly exemplifies the characteristic that is being discussed, to the apparent unawareness of the speaker. Since being indecisive means to be uncertain, being uncertain of whether you are indecisive indicates that you are, indeed, indecisive. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16589" count="65"] Interpretation: The ignorance of the average voter (which can be determined with a five-minute conversation) is a good reason to do away with the democratic political system, in which everyone gets a vote, in favor of another political system where only certain people are allowed to make important decisions. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="15497" count="66"] Interpretation: Men reach their sexual peak 17 years before women do, and at an age where they are not very appealing to adult women at their peak. This mismatch of the sexes’ sexual appetites seems like a cruel joke God is playing on people. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57187" count="67"] Interpretation: Gas station bathrooms are notoriously filthy … this makes them a good subject for jokes. The author questions why gas stations are locked to the public, since they certainly couldn’t get any dirtier. Since they couldn’t get worse, they could only get better — by someone cleaning them! [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5052" count="68"] Interpretation: The most difficult years of marriage are … all of them! [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57189" count="69"] Interpretation: While Allen is saying that he is the boss of his household, he is implying the opposite — that his wife is the boss. He says his wife is “just” the decision maker; however, the person who makes the decisions is clearly the boss. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57191" count="70"] Interpretation: This is a funny way of telling someone they are wrong in an argument. By saying that if he changed his opinion to yours, you’d both be wrong, the author is saying that you are wrong, and he right. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="5130" count="71"] Interpretation: Mason is saying that he actually does not have enough money to last the rest of his life … far from it. He only has enough money to last him if he doesn’t buy anything … and life requires you to buy things on a regular basis. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="19236" count="72"] Interpretation: Women are generally not interested physical fighting, but they have a tendency to argue (get in “intense negotiations”) when they are premenstrual. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="16631" count="73"] Interpretation: Sometimes, if presented in the right way, a serious subject can be made into a dark political joke, like this one. The meaning of this quote is that contrary to what is often taught in schools and portrayed by the media, the first European settlers to America murdered the natives and stole their land. [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57193" count="74"] Interpretation: Letterman is saying that his entire personality — a very funny one — relies entirely on the use of a stimulant substance (coffee). [/include-posts] [include-posts id="57195" count="75"] Interpretation: When you are very drunk and lying down on the floor, it can feel like the world is spinning, causing you to feel the need to “hold on” to the floor. If you have not reached this stage of drunkenness, you are not actually “drunk” — at least not by Dean Martin’s standards. Martin knows that fellow booze-lovers who have experienced this funny feeling will laugh with recognition. [/include-posts]
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