If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.

This aphorism is widely attributed to Judith Martin (“Miss Manners”) in the context of her etiquette advice about handling situations where honesty, criticism, or refusal might otherwise come out as bluntness. It reflects the social-communication principle she often defends: when you cannot offer genuine kindness, you can still avoid needless harm by declining to be specific—softening judgments, changing the subject, or giving noncommittal answers rather than delivering a cutting truth. While commonly circulated in quotation collections and online, I cannot confidently pin it to a particular dated column, interview, or book passage without risking misattribution.

Judith Martin (“Miss Manners”) uses this wry maxim to express a core principle of etiquette: when honesty and kindness conflict, social grace often lies in restraint. The line suggests that blunt candor can be a form of cruelty, especially in situations where criticism is unnecessary or cannot help. “Being vague” becomes a tactical courtesy—softening refusals, deflecting intrusive questions, or avoiding needless judgments—so that one can preserve others’ dignity and keep interactions civil. The humor underscores a serious point: manners are not about deception for its own sake, but about minimizing harm and friction in everyday life.