Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

The line is a characteristically Carlinesque inversion of motivational “personal best” rhetoric: the only record most people reliably break is simply continuing to exist. By framing survival as an athletic statistic—“consecutive days I’ve stayed alive”—the joke punctures self-help triumphalism and exposes how arbitrary many measures of “success” can be. It also carries a quiet memento mori: the streak ends inevitably, so the daily “victory” is both true and absurd. The humor depends on deadpan literalism and a bleakly comic acceptance of mortality, turning a universal condition into a mock achievement.