Tea! Thou soft, thou sober, sage, and venerable Liquid, thou innocent Pretence for bringing the Wicked of both Sexes together in a Morning; thou Female Tongue-running, Smile-smoothing, Heart-opening, Wink-tippling Cordial, to whose glorious Insipidity I owe the happiest Moment of my Life, let me fall prostrate thus, and s—p, s—p, s—p, thus adore thee.

Cibber’s mock-heroic apostrophe to tea turns a fashionable morning beverage into an object of exaggerated worship. The humor comes from piling up grand, moralizing epithets (“sober, sage, and venerable”) only to undercut them with sly social commentary: tea is an “innocent pretence” that enables flirtation and gossip—“bringing the Wicked of both Sexes together,” loosening tongues, smoothing smiles, and opening hearts. The final stage direction-like “s—p, s—p, s—p” mimics dainty sipping while parodying religious adoration, suggesting that polite sociability has its own rituals and idols. The passage satirizes early-18th-century manners and the gendered space of the tea-table as a theater of conversation and intrigue.