Having children is like living in a frat house–nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.

There are only two lasting bequests that we can hope to give our children — roots and wings.

It's ten p.m. Do you know where your children are?

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.