Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!

Using a deliberately crude simile, Williams mocks “decaf” as a diminished substitute for the real thing. The joke hinges on the idea that removing caffeine strips coffee of its essential point—stimulation and kick—just as an oven mitt would numb sensation and make the act pointless. Beyond coffee, the line fits Williams’s broader comic persona: impatient with sanitized, watered‑down versions of pleasures, and willing to use shock and exaggeration to puncture polite consumer choices. The humor comes from incongruity (coffee vs. sex) and from the emphatic, visceral image that makes the critique instantly memorable.