If it would destroy [a 12-year-old boy] to be called a girl, what are we then teaching him about girls?

Tony Porter, an educator and activist associated with A Call to Men, is known for speaking about “manhood” socialization and its links to misogyny and violence. This line is widely circulated from his talks on how boys learn to equate masculinity with dominance and to treat femininity as shameful. Porter uses the example of a 12-year-old boy who would feel humiliated if called a girl to illustrate how early gender policing begins and how it depends on devaluing girls and women. The remark typically appears in presentations urging men, parents, and educators to challenge sexist norms embedded in everyday language and expectations.

The quote argues that the insult “girl” only works because femininity has been culturally framed as inferior. If a boy experiences being likened to a girl as “destroying,” then he has already absorbed the idea that girls are lesser—and that his worth depends on not being associated with them. Porter’s question shifts attention from the boy’s fragility to the underlying lesson society is teaching: contempt for women and for traits coded as feminine (tenderness, vulnerability, care). The line is a critique of gender hierarchy and a call to re-educate boys so that respect for girls and women is foundational rather than conditional.