I was forced to go to a positive-thinking seminar. I couldn't stand it. So I went outside to the parking lot and let half the air out of everybody's tires. As they came out I said, "So, are your tires half-full, or half-empty?"

George Washington is the only president who never blamed the previous administration for his troubles.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Authorship is exhibitionism, and readers a species of voyeur.

Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.