If you pull at babies too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer. I used to shake up my daughter and hand her to people I didn't like. "Hold her just a minute, would ya?"

George Washington is the only president who never blamed the previous administration for his troubles.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.