I was on my way to work the other day, and I guess I got too close to someone's car, because the alarm started going off. I didn't want them to come back and be confused as to why it was going off, so I threw a brick through the windshield. I figured that would explain it.

George Washington is the only president who never blamed the previous administration for his troubles.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.