Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

There are only two lasting bequests that we can hope to give our children — roots and wings.

It's ten p.m. Do you know where your children are?

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.