I've got three kids. I had one with the birth control pill, one with a diaphragm, and another with the IUD. I don't know what happened to my IUD, but I have my suspicions. That kid picks up HBO.

There are only two lasting bequests that we can hope to give our children — roots and wings.

It's ten p.m. Do you know where your children are?

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.