I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Groucho Marx (1890–1977) became famous not only for his films with the Marx Brothers but also for a steady stream of one-liners in interviews, stage patter, and later television appearances. This quip belongs to his long-running comic persona: the fast-talking cynic who treats respectable institutions—courts, politics, and especially marriage—as targets for satire. The line plays on the legal setting of a civil wedding (performed by a judge) and reframes marriage as if it were a criminal proceeding, implying the speaker would prefer the procedural protections of a trial. It is widely circulated in quotation collections as a characteristic Groucho epigram, though it is often repeated without a precise first publication or broadcast citation.

The joke hinges on a double meaning of “judge.” In a wedding, a judge is a neutral officiant; in a courtroom, a judge is the authority who can condemn you. By saying he “should have asked for a jury,” Groucho mock-complains as if marriage were a prosecution and he deserved a fair trial. The humor comes from exaggerating marital commitment into a form of punishment, a classic comic inversion that punctures romantic idealism. It also reflects Groucho’s broader skepticism about social conventions: he treats solemn rituals as bureaucratic procedures and suggests that personal relationships can feel like institutions passing judgment on the individual.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury trial.