Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

The line is a characteristic Woody Allen one-liner: a taboo topic is reframed through self-deprecating narcissism. The humor depends on a quick reversal—masturbation is defended not as a substitute for sex but as “sex with someone I love,” implying the speaker’s primary romantic attachment is to himself. Beyond the joke, it satirizes modern anxieties about intimacy and self-worth: the speaker’s claim of “love” reads as both comic confidence and a confession of loneliness. As with much of Allen’s persona-driven comedy, the line blends bravado with insecurity, using wit to deflect discomfort about desire and relationships.

“Don’t knock masturbation—it’s sex with someone I love.”
“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
“Hey, don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone I love.”