The only way to have a friend is to be one.

This line is commonly attributed to Emerson and is typically linked to his essay “Friendship,” first published in the 1841 collection Essays: First Series. In that essay, Emerson reflects on the moral and spiritual demands of friendship, resisting purely instrumental or socially convenient relationships. The remark encapsulates a recurring Emersonian emphasis on character and self-reliance: the quality of one’s relationships depends less on seeking benefits from others than on cultivating the virtues—generosity, sincerity, steadiness—that make one worthy of trust. The saying has circulated widely in later quotation anthologies, sometimes detached from its original essay context.

The saying frames friendship not as something to be acquired, negotiated, or demanded from others, but as something that arises from one’s own conduct. It implies that the surest route to being loved, trusted, and supported is to practice those qualities oneself—loyalty, attentiveness, honesty, and steadiness. The maxim also carries a moral challenge: if one lacks friends, the remedy is not manipulation or complaint but self-examination and the active practice of friendliness. In Emersonian terms, friendship is an ethical achievement rooted in character rather than a social possession.

“The only way to have a friend is to be a friend.”