He that would the daughter win, must with the mother first begin.

This is a traditional English proverb from the courtship-and-marriage culture in which a young woman’s family—especially her mother—was understood to have strong influence over a match. In societies where introductions, reputation, and parental consent mattered, a suitor often needed to win the goodwill of the household before he could hope to win the affection (or permission) of the daughter. The saying reflects a practical social strategy: cultivate the mother’s approval through courtesy, respectability, and attentiveness, because she may act as gatekeeper, advocate, or judge of the suitor’s suitability.

The proverb advises that romantic pursuit is rarely only a private matter; it is embedded in family and community relationships. On its surface, it recommends tact: if you want to marry (or court) a daughter, begin by winning over her mother. More broadly, it points to the importance of understanding power dynamics and influencers around any desired goal—success often depends on persuading those who shape access, opinion, or permission. It can also be read as a comment on social mediation: affection and compatibility may matter, but so do trust, reputation, and the approval of those closest to the person you seek.

He that would the daughter win must with the mother first begin.
He who would win the daughter must first win the mother.
If you would win the daughter, you must first win the mother.